My sister informed me today that I would be accompanying her to The Magic Castle in Hollywood during my visit to her this weekend. This is quite exciting! Do you know about this place? I didn’t before I looked around on their website that you can get to here. But then I also just knew a little from what she told me. That it is a real treat to get to go there. It’s by membership only and very fancy schmancy. She must have a friend who is a member and can help us attend. It is full of different magicians performing up close tricks right before our eyes! She has been there once before, so she knows what to expect.
But that isn’t entirely my point here. My point is to tell you what my brain did the moment she told me we would be going to The Magic Castle and that I would need to dress really fancy. The dressing really fancy part wasn’t even an issue as I do own a beautiful black dress that will work perfectly! I got it from the Black House/White Market store last spring to wear with my husband in Las Vegas where we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary! I’ve been longing for another opportunity to wear it because it actually made me feel the most special that a dress has since I wore my wedding dress! Here is what it looks like:
That’s me last May before our anniversary dinner at Tom Collichio’s CraftSteak restaurant.
That’s Chris and I. We never get this dressed up, it was sure fun!
So when my sister told me I would have a chance to wear it again, instead of being super excited for this unique opportunity to share with her, I immediately thought, “What if it doesn’t fit anymore?” I was so caught up with panic and concern about my wavering body image issues that I couldn’t even be certain that I’d be confident enough to go! Ug!
The same thing happened when she told me that she found a Groupon for a Yoga class that takes place on individual paddle boards out in the ocean, and would I be interested. Instead of jumping at the idea, my most immediate thought went to a place of worry that I’d have to wear a bathing suit while doing Yoga..uh, in the water…
Somewhere along this journey of me over the last year (almost) I have a mental picture of myself as having turned into a kind of frumpy mama! Am I a little embarrassed to admit it? Yes! I am. But, I have been rather inspired during the past week by the number of mom blogs that I’ve read that reveal that I’m not alone in my lack of overall self-esteem. Is it true? Is there a point along the road called motherhood that we hit a down point offering less-than-adequate feelings regarding our own battles with pant-size, bra-size, job satisfaction, hairstyle or pimples… or outward stuff like is our house clean enough? Are there piles of dirty laundry? Are our kids getting enough milk and vegetables? Are we showing equal amounts of love and affection to each of our children, and certainly not to forget about our loving husbands? Are we overwhelmed by the awful feeling of guilt for this thing or that, which I didn’t do enough of or well enough? Did I show my son enough TLC when he was sick lately? All of these things! Am I right? This is not to say that we women, particularly moms, have all entered some proverbial island of inadequacies and we are marooned there for the rest of our lives. I look at is as a phase or just a season in our lives…like the ebb and flow of the ocean, right? Maybe?
Well, after both instances of my hem-hawing to my sister about if I could participate in these two super exciting activities because of my own inadequacies, it’s like I kicked myself in the hiney and remembered that it is not in my character to reject opportunities like these! When have I ever done that before?
I had to take a moment to open my eyes and realize what a mistake I was making in letting surface stuff get in the way of me living my life and having an extra good time with my sister. And, guess what? The dress still fits and the moment I tried it back on I felt just as Cinderella-ey as I did last May with my husband! And, I don’t have to wear a bathing suit on the paddle board while putting my body into compromising postures all the while trying not to fall off into the water! I can just wear what I would normally wear to exercise in!
Every time these feelings of doubt try to creep into my mind, I work really hard to shut them down and replace them with thoughts that I am happy in my life and I am happy with who I am, then I list all the reasons why! I have to do this a lot, but maybe the more times I do it, the more the truth of my good self will be present in my mind-so that I will experience more thoughts of my good self than my self that is full of doubt.
Does this happen to you? How do you handle it?