Guilt on my Shoulder
I have a problem. And it is a five letter word that starts with “G.” Need a hint? It’s not a positive word, in fact, it is an enemy word. The word is “guilt.” I experience this bad word almost daily when it comes to my confidence in being a good mom to my boys. In my heart, I think I know that they are happy and I have been a good mom to them. However, every day when this word grabs a hold of me, I think I could do better.
I want to show them a good time – all the time. I want them to grow up and remember how much their mom loved playing with them and having fun with them. I often tell Chris that I think I am a better mom when we are outside the house. Like at the park, or the pool, or on some kind of adventure. This is because I am less likely to find something to clean or fix up or basically distract me. Am I alone in this? Does this happen to anyone else?
I try really hard to keep my extra stuff (…blog writing and button flowers…) to early mornings before they wake up or during their half-hour quiet time so it doesn’t get in the way of my quality time with them…this might have something to do with the fact that you haven’t read a single new post from me in more than two weeks! It breaks my heart, it really does. I love my blog and I must just ask that you hang in there with me for two more weeks when I can write more regularly again when they go back to school.
But the thing is, is that the guilt has gotten really bad. School starts in two weeks and I am beginning to doubt that my children had a good summer at all! I will tell you that I know for a fact that the guilt has gotten bad because of the dream that I had last Thursday night.
We had been very busy at work that night. When we finally locked the doors and closed up I had about an hour of just busy work that allowed me to be alone in my head – not always the best place to be when guilt is hanging our on my shoulder. I had convinced myself at work that night that I just wasn’t cutting it as Mom-of-the-year and I even brought myself to tears over it! But, I pushed the feelings away and finished my tasks so I could go home.
I must not have pushed the feelings far enough away because that night was when I had a dream that was not only very scary, but weirdly amusing in that I saw my sub-conscious surprisingly at work. Amusing…but in a way that would have me like it at all.
The dream:
My children had been kidnapped and through the course of a long period of time (not years….maybe just weeks) I couldn’t find them. It was physically painful and distressful. One of those dreams that has your physical body bear the brunt of the mental trauma that is going on.
Finally, after much time went by, I received mail from Logan and Eli. This was the first correspondance from them since they were taken and it came in the form of hand drawings of all the fun things they had been doing with their captors!!!!! A trip to Disney World; water slides at the water park; picnics at the park…(By the way, I am a terrible picnic packer! Yikes!).
I had convinced myself earlier Thursday night so much of my inadequacies that my subconscious led me to believe via a dream that my children would be happier in the lives of someone else!
OH FOR THE LOVE OF PETE!
So, now, after the fact by four days, it is still very much in the front of my mind and I have to kind of laugh that I would have such a dream as that one!
I don’t know what the remedy is for this problem. Except for that every time the guilt sets in, I aught to look at pictures from the summer of my happy boys and remind myself that they are doing just fine. It doesn’t always help, but at least the guilt is put at bay for a time.
I suspect this might just be how mothering is? I’m not sure. I don’t like it and I wouldn’t want to settle by accepting this burden of guilt on my shoulder every day that we aren’t doing something super spectacular!
I will leave it open-ended because that’s where I am at with it.
Does guilt sit on your shoulder? If I am able to come up with a successful solution, I will be sure to let you know. I feel like i must create a stronger mind and confidence to fully rid of it. We’ll see! But, until then, I will look at some of the photos of fun we’ve had this summer. I might even post them right down there!
During out first couple of adventures at Garden of the Gods, we snacked on Dunkin Donuts in the back of the car before we got started.
Relaxing in the sun during a day up in Breckenridge.
We made it to the top of a great big rock that we had our eye on for a few weeks! Great success!
Sometimes its just easier to make goofy faces!
This is one way to get totally cooled off at the fountain!
This was a pile of fun last Saturday afternoon!
You can’t tell, but the guys are up on top of a giant mushroom at a recent trip to the zoo.
Much fun was had wading in the Arkansas River on a recent daycation to Buena Vista!
The back yard is always a fun place to be!
Well, looking those pictures helps! As I finish writing this, I hear my boys down in the family room bickering and whining. Maybe it is time for school to start. Maybe it will be good for them…and possibly me? I’ll get back to you on that one.
Coming soon on my blog: Approximately five reasons why its a good thing that school starts in two weeks!
I feel this way too. The mommy guilt of, “Did I do anything meaningful with my children today?” I have found that I really like to go out with them because like you said I connect and pay attention when we are out. Derrick likes to do things in with them ie. watch movies play video games. I get distracted when we are at home. My kids tell me they like the mix busy out, busy in, and nothing planned days. Well school is coming, and I am going to enjoy the days I get to plan while we have them.