Today was a long time coming. I finally sat down to compose a bunch of words I found in the thoughtful and emotional side of my brain that I one day so hope to turn into a book.
This book, of course, will be about what it was like to accompany my family down the road of Chris’s brain surgery. Brain Surgery Blvd. From the night of his seizure when it all began…to the actual surgery itself…to the long, hopeful and sometimes lonely days during recovery-my goal is to write an account of what it was like, from my perspective. There might be some kind-of heavy parts, vulnerable parts demonstrating the fear we felt and the confusion and the begging of the question, “Why us, God?” But, I would like for the overall feel of the book to be inspirational, uplifting, encouraging and at times appropriate, light-hearted and maybe even humorous.
I have known the names of my chapters and even a very working title for some weeks now, but it sure did take me a long time to actually sit my hiney down at my computer and write those first words of the content. And when I did, do you know what happened? I’ll tell you right now! I didn’t even write the way I write! The words that I typed seemed forced and contrived. Like I was working to fit them in a certain box that would be approved by publishers and readers, alike. You’ll notice that I am speaking very pro-actively. If I speak of publishers, as if they are right there waiting on me to finish my book (optimism, you see?), than maybe they will be!! But I won’t want them to change anything…more on that another time. It’s still early.
I wrote an entire chapter in this facade writer’s voice and it wasn’t until the next chapter that I started on that I became me again. It’s like the doors opened up and my guard came down and I began to write with the ease that I’m used to – like when I write blog posts like this one right now! I was so nervous getting started that it affected the way I put words on paper! Yikes! I’m glad that was short-lived. And, I hope it doesn’t happen often! I had put entirely too much thought into what I would write for my book instead of just pretending it was a blog post and treating it as such! That is how I will treat it henceforth!! No, I won’t write in old British English….
I intend on this working. I intend to have a published book in a 12 to 24-month time period that will be good for people who need it. Whether they are going through the same thing that we did, or something entirely different…I believe I became a writer in the first place to touch the lives of my readers. I hope to do that with this, here, project. Maybe it would just be a good read!
Today I become an actual writer (as if I weren’t before-I’m not sure, that is all grey area for me). I will call myself one and look at my writing as if I am one. Chris told me recently when I was doubting what on earth God placed me here to be or to do. Am I a crafter? Am I a writer? Am I kidding myself? And he said to me, “Jen, at your core, you. are. a. writer.”